Friendship.......

    When I was eleven years old we lived in Syracuse with my mom.  In a small two bedroom apartment. I shared a room with my sister. Our room had a sliding glass door with a small balcony.  I remember one day standing at the door looking down. Two flights up.  For a split second I wondered what would happen if I jumped. Probably broken legs or a head injury. I would end up a turnip in a hospital bed with someone feeding me jello. Couldnt do it. I of course wasnt wanting to hurt myself. But eleven was a lonely age. An awkward age. I didnt really have any friends. My sister and I were tormented actually. Her a bit more than I. We didnt have  clothes that were in style and we both had crooked ears, I wore glasses and was a bit on the chunky side for awhile. Nothing like getting punched in the face and having a fat lip just for existing. Yes that was a fun day at school.
   I have sat here for the last hour trying to go over all the places I have been, the people I have met and the impact they have left on my life. If it was not for facebook most of those people would still be a distant memory.
   I always felt awkward. Growing up I didn't feel like I fit in anywhere. I felt like a huge square peg , with a zit on my chin , trying to force myself into this round hole. I focused on school and worked . I realize now that I missed alot of things because i watched from the sidelines wanting to be like everyone else but never being able to step up or try. Now as a mother of three teenagers I realize that we all felt that way. Laying in bed listening to music staring at the ceiling trying to figure out if we can make it through the next day. Scared to grow up. We all felt alone.
   I have lived so many places. I have met and become friends with some amazing people. I could name them all here one by one but I would be here forever.
     My Mommy friends from S.Carolina,N.Carolina, Virginia,Maryland, and Connecticut. Women I could  not have made it through some of life's crazy moments without.  Watching each other's children, complaining about the men we married and  late night phone calls. We ate together, laughed together, did some hilarious things together and the days that I had to pack up and leave  we cried. It was never easy for me to leave. i had to do it five times. I made friends so easily then. They became my sister's. I have a place for each of them in my heart.
    My friends here are few but so important. I cannot express what  "best friend" means to me. She has listened, laughed and cried with me. Whether near or far has called, texted, or emailed me. She has watched my children, held my hand when I was scared, told me the harsh truth, let me crash at her house, and has become a part of my heart. Every single  friend I have had has had an impact on me. I wouldnt be who I am without having married  young, having traveled, having six children , and learning what "friend" means.
    At this point in my life I don't know if I am making the right decisions. I want to be a  good friend, not just have them. I found a square hole and have put myself in it. I have tried to find the words that express who I am . Who I want to be, and what I want to do. It is important to surround yourself with  those that make you  happy. Those that understand where you are coming from. I have lost friends for dumb reasons and lost some forever to heaven. . Some better than others but all important. There were people from my childhood I didnt give a chance. I was intimidated, or scared. Wasnt sure what to say or what to do. Today some of those people are some of the best friends I have .
    Life is not easy. We dont travel any path completely alone. Someone watched us, someone cheered us on and someone yanked us back to reality with a swift kick in the ass. It took me 37 years to  see that I am very lucky to be where I am and  I am so glad that I didnt jump that day.   My ears still stick out, I have a zit on my chin, I am still a bit on the fluffy side  and my real friends dont care.

What inspires me..

One year ago I sat here very inspired by the words of a dear friend. "If you take the time to see the world through someone else's eyes you can learn so much more about yourself and about life."  I thought long and hard about what this meant. It hit me like a ton of bricks that life is about perspective. How we see everything and everyone around us. I understood that we all view the world and what happens around us in a different way. Taking the time to just listen and take in what someone else has to say can help you see things differently and can literally change your mind.

So I sat looking at my facebook status and wondered what I could possibly say that could be so inspiring. I decided to ask for something handwritten from anyone that would listen. I wanted to see the world through someone elses eyes. Wanted to learn what gave them the deep belly laugh, what touched their heart, or what made their day. I honestly thought maybe I would get one or two.  I didn't want it to be emailed  only because I felt to understand I needed to read it on paper. I wanted to  have it somewhere where it would not get lost in time or could be deleted. Seeing their handwriting would make it feel more personal and a little less cold like words on a computer screen.

I started getting mail pretty quick. I was amazed at the things I was getting. Cards, letters, pictures,books, and even a beautiful ring from one of my closest friends!   There were things sent to me from across the country and right down the street. Old friends, new friends, and even a few people I didnt even know.  I was told some deep dark secrets, read about about amazing challenges, brought to tears and then laughed so hard I cried.

I never expected to inspire anyone either and some people said that I  was what inspired them. What a heartfelt thing that was for me to hear. I was and still am quite humbled that I made a difference to anyone.

I have seen the world through 40 different pairs of eyes. It was a wonderful gift that was given to me. It may not seem like much but to me it was huge. Just taking the time to really listen to someone elses thoughts can truly make you see what life is about. 

I always thought I was just a housewife for 18 years. Felt invisible. Who would listen to anything I had to say? Then one day i was told there was a chance I could die and I thought well Kristen it might be a good idea to make a mark on the world somewhere. maybe I didnt make more than a tiny scratch somewhere but the world has sure made a mark on me.  

Hey Ms.DJ......

   It may seem strange, the idea to become a DJ. I really didnt think he would go for it at all. I am so glad that for once he was listening to me. It has gone well so far the past year. Although he is much better at the people pleasing aspect and knowing what the equipment actually does, I totally   just enjoy the music. Even since I moved out he has still had me DJ, and I really do enjoy it!
   I am so drawn to music, i could sleep listening to it, need to listen in the car, when i am cleaning, writing ect... Could it be because my parents were talented musicians before I was even born?. That they met because of music, maybe even divorced because of it.? Who knows?But that is all I remember from the time I was small. Both of them singing, and very well  I may add.  My sister and I sitting in taverns, bars, and at weddings thinking we were cool with our cherry filled  shirley temples. We used to ride on our bellies on the dollies used to move the equipment. Its funny but I honestly thought that all kids had parents with bands in their garages and that free time was spent watching  rehersals on  weekends and a few nights a week.
    I really could listen to anything from any era.  I really think music can move your soul and make you move your body no matter how awkward it may seem.
   I always wished I  had  musical talent. Of course alone in my car and the shower i truly do believe i am almost as good as Pink , well maybe on her less than sober occasions in the past. If I didnt sound like I was 12 , and had played more than 8 years of the violin maybe that would have taken me somewhere beyond suave shampoo bottles as a microphone.
    It is funny that I  had married someone who played the guitar since he was 12 years old, that  my kids  can play drums, guitars and keyboards. I wonder if Julia thinks that everyone has flashing colored lights in the diningroom?I can jam to some mean karaoke and strum a tune on a Fender to embarass the occasional teenager passing to the kitchen. I think I was more meant to just listen to the music, take in the lights, and just watch people have fun in the way they feel the music.
    I sure do love the fact that I can plug in a speaker, pull up any song I want, flip a switch and transform a room into a place where my kids can dance , sing , and make a  memory.
    Maybe I just might go make  some shirley temples this time.

Writing...

 I have always loved writing. Putting my thoughts out on paper as a way to clear my mind. Now up on a screen. My mind never seems completely clear. Mainly scattered thoughts that wander away for a fleeting moment and then rushes out like a wave.
  I have taken three college courses on writing. The easiest  courses I have taken by far. I could always write what I have been told to, following proper grammer and punctuation.
  However for the sake of my blog and wandering mind please dont pay attention to the occasional run on sentence. Mainly for dramatic effect I  honestly dont believe my blog will ever get critical acclaim so for now I will place my exclamation point  right here !
   My main goal in life is to be a good person, to find out what my purpose in life truly is, and to raise the six children I brought into this world totally against their will to become happy and well rounded individuals. I hope one of them lets me live in their basement with 20 cats one day when I am old and grey.
    I love life  and hope its a long and enjoyable one. And so it goes...