When I was eleven years old we lived in Syracuse with my mom. In a small two bedroom apartment. I shared a room with my sister. Our room had a sliding glass door with a small balcony. I remember one day standing at the door looking down. Two flights up. For a split second I wondered what would happen if I jumped. Probably broken legs or a head injury. I would end up a turnip in a hospital bed with someone feeding me jello. Couldnt do it. I of course wasnt wanting to hurt myself. But eleven was a lonely age. An awkward age. I didnt really have any friends. My sister and I were tormented actually. Her a bit more than I. We didnt have clothes that were in style and we both had crooked ears, I wore glasses and was a bit on the chunky side for awhile. Nothing like getting punched in the face and having a fat lip just for existing. Yes that was a fun day at school.
I have sat here for the last hour trying to go over all the places I have been, the people I have met and the impact they have left on my life. If it was not for facebook most of those people would still be a distant memory.
I always felt awkward. Growing up I didn't feel like I fit in anywhere. I felt like a huge square peg , with a zit on my chin , trying to force myself into this round hole. I focused on school and worked . I realize now that I missed alot of things because i watched from the sidelines wanting to be like everyone else but never being able to step up or try. Now as a mother of three teenagers I realize that we all felt that way. Laying in bed listening to music staring at the ceiling trying to figure out if we can make it through the next day. Scared to grow up. We all felt alone.
I have lived so many places. I have met and become friends with some amazing people. I could name them all here one by one but I would be here forever.
My Mommy friends from S.Carolina,N.Carolina, Virginia,Maryland, and Connecticut. Women I could not have made it through some of life's crazy moments without. Watching each other's children, complaining about the men we married and late night phone calls. We ate together, laughed together, did some hilarious things together and the days that I had to pack up and leave we cried. It was never easy for me to leave. i had to do it five times. I made friends so easily then. They became my sister's. I have a place for each of them in my heart.
My friends here are few but so important. I cannot express what "best friend" means to me. She has listened, laughed and cried with me. Whether near or far has called, texted, or emailed me. She has watched my children, held my hand when I was scared, told me the harsh truth, let me crash at her house, and has become a part of my heart. Every single friend I have had has had an impact on me. I wouldnt be who I am without having married young, having traveled, having six children , and learning what "friend" means.
At this point in my life I don't know if I am making the right decisions. I want to be a good friend, not just have them. I found a square hole and have put myself in it. I have tried to find the words that express who I am . Who I want to be, and what I want to do. It is important to surround yourself with those that make you happy. Those that understand where you are coming from. I have lost friends for dumb reasons and lost some forever to heaven. . Some better than others but all important. There were people from my childhood I didnt give a chance. I was intimidated, or scared. Wasnt sure what to say or what to do. Today some of those people are some of the best friends I have .
Life is not easy. We dont travel any path completely alone. Someone watched us, someone cheered us on and someone yanked us back to reality with a swift kick in the ass. It took me 37 years to see that I am very lucky to be where I am and I am so glad that I didnt jump that day. My ears still stick out, I have a zit on my chin, I am still a bit on the fluffy side and my real friends dont care.
